HILARIOUS!!!

I think this may be one of the funniest emails I've ever received. I especially like #4. Enjoy!

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF EXAMINATION FOR MEN:

1. If you are over thirty five, and you have a wash board stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or p!ss in a Parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball,! PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition; Tampa Style

Not only is this the weekend that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is the episode from Tampa, but it's on Davis Island. The place that I've spoken of over and over again in the past. Some of my loyal readers have been here. People from all over the states have enjoyed the small-town feel in the small city of Tampa. Well Sunday night on ABC, the Tate's family gets a new house. It's already up and they're living in it currently and I should say that it's one of the nicest houses on the island. Ty and my girl did a hell of a job on it.

Some may ask, "Creegs, are we going to see that big head of yours on the screen?" The answer quite honestly is "no." I don't know what I did or where I went, but I was out of town the weekend they said, "MOVE THAT BUS!" and seemed to miss the camera's when they came into Tate's Brothers Pizza. The local pizza joint and bar on the island owned by the owner of the house.

It'll be a good episode, and a lot of the people on the show are people that I know and deal with on a daily basis. I know I can't wait to watch. Hopefully you will too and realize that I live in paradise.

Where Has Creegs Been?!?!

I got off the phone with Yarbs yesterday and he said that I must have been too busy to throw up a message or post, or whatever you call this thing. He was correct in that assumption. I've been extremely busy with work, having a new territory, that has been my main focus trying to build it and pick up where my co-worker and college friend on the other side of the state left off after getting a promotion. It's like having a new job. I've spent two years gaining and maintaining relationships with 17 counties on the west coast of Florida, but not seven counties were taken away from me, and I have seven more on the east coast. I went from being the "West Coast of FL" rep to the "Central Florida" rep. I spend a whole week one time a month in Orlando, which, for those of you not from Florida or don't live in Florida would think is cool. The land of Mickey. But when you're picking up books from portable classrooms, closets, bathrooms, etc. It's not that exciting. Is it getting me a lot of money? Somewhat. Depending on your idea of a lot of money. In my mind, it's good money. So it was worth picking up books from a bathroom stall at a high school in Orlando. Oh well.

People have also asked how I've been. What's been going on in my world? Well, I do have a lot going on, but nothing really "blogworthy." I do have a story, probably shouldn't tell on this forum, but it is typical Creegs. I have a problem with urinating in public. I've been cited twice for it, caught at least four times now by (insert town/city name)'s finest. Well I've stooped to a whole new low. I've also been known to have pooping issues. A couple of stories are infamous. I believe I may have added another to that list. When I see you all in the future I'll do the stand-up act that is this story, but here's the text.

I went fishing a few weeks ago. That's right, me, fishing. Well I'm not really the big fisherman, so I really was there to do the drinking while two of my buddies sat and watched the water. Another reason I went was because I really like water, and the island has a lot of great views and channels, etc. (and Tino Martinez live out here, love that guy!) Anyway, we had 36 beers and two 32s of Bud Light in the cooler while we...er...they were fishing. I had probably about 6-7 beers before we decided to go back, wash up and head over to a local watering hole for dinner and more drinks, meet up with more people, what have you. Anyway, we get back to Bama's house and there's a big bottle of vodka there from one of my previous visits to Bear Bryant's son's house.(he's not really Bears son, just feeling silly.) Anyway, I had three-four BayBreezes(vodka/orange juice, splash of cranberry) with Can'tMiss and then it was off to the local watering hole. To say that I remember the ride TO the bar would be a lie. We head in, sit right at the bar, order up some dinner. To say that I remember what I ate would ALSO be a lie. I remember Can'tMiss talking to a lady that was significantly older, trying to get her back to the island for more drinking and more of his advances. I think the bartenders name was Precious. Not sure that was God-given or not. Interesting. She was pregnant. I was not quiet. On to the point of the story. We get back to the island. Bama and his boy head home to go to sleep which I probably should have done, but my mind was blurred by vodka and Bud Light. We head to the outdoor bar on the island, and now I have to poop. So I head to the bathroom, and the stall is taken and I'm at a point of no return. I walk out the back door(no pun intended) and head over to Hunter's brother and sisters place, not too far from the bar. Well, nature got the best of me and that's about as far as I'll go with the story. Ask me for the rest when I see you. Not only have I pee'd in public, I've now pooped in public. Lucky for me, the police stayed away from me. Reminded me of a scene from Friday where Smokey is on the side of the house and Ezell sees him. If you haven't seen that movie, check it out. It was eerily similar.

Three weeks until St. Patty's in Savannah. A lot of people will be in the house! Smoke went ahead and got himself a promotion, and some shenanigans about 6 month training for the position will prevent he and Earp from joining us. We're not surprised though. It was to be expected. Robber may not make it either because of work. But lucky for him, he'll be in Vegas. Looking forward to seeing everybody. Hunt, FineCheese, PulledPork, Beef, Beefette, ZDP, Yarbs, Belle, Wolv, etc. Should be a blast! Hopefully I'll be more current on this thing. Who knows if that'll actually happen, but you should check back maybe once a week for a new post in the future. I'll try to have more "worthy" stories. I didn't even touch on Gasparilla, the day street party held here annually at the end of January. I was in bed by 9:30pm. Nuff said. Maybe I'll revisit that in the coming days.

Hope everyone is well. I did get a new phone number. If you don't have it, please let me know and I'll get it to you.